vending machine coffee

I'm sitting here, staring at my fingers on my keyboard at my desk. I can hear heart monitors, and the sound of the ice machine making ice down the hall. This place can really get a person down. There is so much sickness and death in the world. It's actually really sad. It's not like I work in the OB unit, where they get to see life everyday. I'm down here in the E.R., where death happens - luckily not every day. The midnight shift is really starting to take a toll on me I think mentally and physically. I really don't get to see the sun unless I stay up for awhile after I get home. By the time I wake up, it's dark again, and that really sucks. While the rest of the universe is sleeping, I'm here at my desk, waiting for the next ambulance.

Sometimes it's really slow, and then my mind wanders. I start thinking about stuff that I try not to think about during my off hours. It all just slips into my head. Then I start thinking about my daughter.

My daughter. The little beautiful girl that I don't get to see. Does she even remember who I am? I haven't seen her in so long. It feels like years, though it's only probably been about a month. She lives with her father, mostly because of this damn job that I'm working. I can't raise a kid working midnights and evenings. I won't raise a kid working midnights or evenings. It's just not fair to her. What happens if she were to wake up in the middle of the night to some stranger trying to comfort her after a nightmare? I want to comfort her. I want to read her bedtime stories and give her a bath before she goes to bed. I can't do any of that because of this stupid job. Yeah, I could try to find another job. But here jobs are very scarce. The economy just blows, and everyone is feeling it. I don't want to risk losing health insurance for my daughter. I feel like if I can contribute that, at least I'm doing something for her.

My daughter. What I wouldn't do to just hold her, and breathe in that baby scent that she still has before it goes away. She'll be 2 in March. I don't even know what words she's saying, or if she can hold a fork yet. I try to think of the happy times her and I have had, before I started working here. Back when she lived with me. Of course, I was dirt poor and living with my father, but I was almost happier that way. Her and I shared a bed, and I loved it. I would wake up, and she would be snuggled up right next to me. We would cuddle up and fall asleep with each other. I think I miss that the most. That and giving her squeaky kisses just to get her to giggle. I really miss my daughter.

If I can ever move outta this hell that is the Emergency Room, the first thing I'm going to do is go and get her. That is, if she still remembers who I am. Until then, I'm going to sip this vending machine coffee that keeps me awake every night, and wait for the next ambulance.

cry, cry, cry

Indiana what

Hello. I'm Stevie.

I live in the midwest, just right outside of Chicago's veins. Everyone says, "You must hate living in the flat, dreary midwest". Actually, I love it. I drive down my streets at night, across the Southshore tracks, and I can't help but burst with love for my town that I live in. Yeah, Indiana may seem boring to some, but when you have lived here all of your life, it's not so bad. You actually get attached to it.

So, I'm a mom. I know right...crazy. I dont' know what God was thinking giving me a child, but motherhood has suited me well. It made me grow up, not that I'm quite as grown up as people would like me to be, but I grew up a little. I had to put down the drugs and the bassguitar and be....a woman? Turns out I really am one. Hmm.

I live with my Dad and my brother. I sleep in a twin bed, and I share a room with my 19 month old daughter. I work midnights at the local hospital, down in the E.R. No, I'm not a nurse, I'm that petty person that gets all of your insurance information, and then makes sure that you get billed. I constantly feel like I'm going to hell when I ask some sweet 90 year old lady that fell if she has her Medicare card.

I date a police officer, that I actually graduated from highschool with. Never thought I could ever possibly have anything in common with a man of the 5-0, but turns out we have a lot in common. He takes freedom, I take money. We are both hated, and loved equally by a lot of people. It works out. I've never been great with relationships. I always end up sabotaging them some how. Mostly because I'm uber emotional, and I cry over anything. For some reason dudes don't dig that. Who knew. It's either that, or I act more like a dude that the guy I am dating, which men don't like either. I've never been the "girly" type of chick, ya know? Apparently the caliber of your manicure is equal to the caliber of man you have. I'm still not getting a manicure, sorry guys. Oh, and by the way, you need to go make me a sandwich. I"m hungry.

So, yeah getting on with this. Indiana what. You all think your lives are going great until BAM! The floor in your trailor collapses, your fiance cheats on you, and your daughter is pissed because Seasame Street is over. Meanwhile you are trying to puff on a cigarette, and you have no lighter. That was my life. Now, it's waiting for my brother to get out of the bathroom, listening to my Dad bitch about the trash not being taken out, my daughter getting into the cabinet under the kitchen sink, and trying to puff on a cigarette, with no lighter. Indiana, it's the land of dreams and opportunity. Opportunity to shovel snow and eat at the various Greek-owned restaurants with the free bread.

Check it.

marriage fever..pt. 2

Ugh. All of these people getting married. Even the ugly ones are getting married. It's just not fair. I want to know why I'm not married yet. Why am I not married? Every fucking girl I'm friends with just loves to show their damn engagement ring off. It's not fair! I'm pretty, right? I have something to offer the opposite sex I think. I have a boyfriend, and he is very good to me, I just don't think we will ever get married, and it really makes me sad. I just want to know what it's like to be happily married. I don't even need a wedding! I don't need an engagement ring or a big fancy dress. I just want to be married.

I guess it's mostly because I want to get out of my father's house, and I just can't do that alone. That, and I want to be taken care of. I want a guy to love me and take care of me. I love being in love. I'm totally in love right now, but I just don't feel like he and I are going anywhere. I sleep in a fucking twin bed, seriously. I am 24 years old, and I hate having to tell all of my friends who already own homes and are married that I still live at my Dad's, and I am a single mom. I feel like I am in highschool all over again. I hate it.

So, he wants to buy a house. Yeah, okay, when? Soon. Well when is soon? I'm so impatient. I just want to start my life.

My demons.....

I look up at the sky every day and think to myself how I got here. What is my purpose? What am I doing here? Why am I who I am? All these questions swirl in my head every day. What in the hell is the meaning to my life? What am I supposed to be doing? I am so lost. Due to my constant struggle with what we call "life" my brain swells and a pool of black sludge follows me around everywhere I go. I try to kick it off of my feet, but it just won't go away. It's my demons. They laugh at me when I fall. They cheer when I cry. They bring me down so that I can't feel an ounce of happiness, even if I tried. I have been dealing with these demons for quite sometime now. They came to me at a very young age. I've been to counseling. I've been on medication, but all of these things just makes them fuzzy. They are still there, just harder to see. Deep within my soul, there used to be a light. I feel that it still may be there, it's just very dim. People tell me, "You need to talk to the man upstairs". I do talk to him. I talk to him everyday. He knows I am here, and I know he is there. We have an understanding. He has helped me through some trying times, let me tell you. But it's as if he is trying to allow me to get rid of these demons on my own. He didn't put them there, I did, therefore it's not his job to take them away. It's my job, and only my job, to get rid of them. Believe me, I'm trying really hard.

Most of the time I walk around feeling like everyone is staring at me because I'm a loser. It's like everyone knows my life, and they are looking deep within my soul and whispering to one another. In reality, nobody gives a shit about me, but in my psyche, everyone knows what I'm about, and everyone pierces me with their eyes. I'm pretty transparent, I think, but most people say that I'm as thick as an onion - that they have a hard time figuring out what in the hell I'm about. I think it's evident. I'm a single mom who sleeps in a twin bed. I share a room with my daughter at my father's house. I never get to see my daughter because of my stupid job. I work 3-11s and midnights, which is no good when you are trying to raise a kid. It makes me so distraught, because my daughter is my beacon of light. She has been the only being that has been able to fill that void in my chest that I have carried around for most of my life. I miss her terribly.

My therapist asked me once, "Steph, is there a certain point or event in your life that caused the emptiness?" I really didn't know how to answer that. But I think about it every day. I know I was a young child when I noticed it. Perhaps it was when my parents got divorced that a little part of me died. Before that, I thought that everything was good in the world. When that happened, I changed from this loving, happy little girl to a bitter, sad adult trapped in a little girl's body. I didn't ask for any of that. I didn't ask to grow up over night. I didn't ask to have to take care of my younger brother. But I had to. From then on, my life was pretty rough.

Now that I'm older, I look back on those days and it seems as though it was a dream. It was so long ago. I know that it wasn't a dream though, because all of those memories are forever etched into my skin, eyes, and soul. Will I ever overcome my "demons"? Who knows. All I know is that if I can't beat them, I at least need to learn to live side by side with them. Everyone has their baggage. In my case, it's luggage.